peter026

Baby

Laugh

Flight

Well done :D

Sadism

Punishment

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, she asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Snappy Answer #5 THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-***** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." BONUS Snappy Answer A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their! names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo" answered the blond."They're watch dogs!" Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

(as a) Judge

Orderly

Inebriation

Port

Welcome to the Club :D

Pupil

Ice

A lot of work and thought seems to have gone into this project.........Well done :winky: I mean the car not the bib :D

Rain

Tart

Apple

Beer

Sign says no waiting............wonder if he got a parking ticket

Cheese

Just an update.Alison went to see the bank manager, and requested a copy of her missing statements. Bank can't get hold of them at the moment, will take a couple of days. A week later and still no sign of these statements, so now the police are involved on the advice of a solicitor, we have also been told to cancel the DD until this is sorted. The police said to wait for the banks internal fraud system to get in touch, and if not happy then to give them permission to seize all paperwork pertaining to her account and credit card accounts. This permission has already been given, so they are now just waiting for our call. Once this is sorted the account will be closed, and everything transferred to another bank. Apparently, according to Alison's Brother, who himself is a bank manager, this type of fraud is not as rare as it seems.

Rugby style! A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says,"Five Points!" His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says," Try! 5-all." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 10-5." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Score, 10-10." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeakier and says,"drop goal, I lead 13 to 10. Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he $$$$s in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Heart

Union