peter026

Matinee

Have you ever sat next to some moron who insists in chatting about the most boring things.................Well, there is a solution............Open your laptop, make sure that he can see the screen, and hit this Link :winky:

Hulk

Wrestling

Dear Paul, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within two miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a Faulty washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time and Aunt Sue said that the coat you wanted me to send you, would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral Directors and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning, I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl yet, so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle, which reminds me. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, then he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He wound down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one. Love, Mum

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Borrowed from another forum :D This an Aussie yarn, read on : Life in the Australian Army... Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in blumin quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6 o’clock. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No blumin cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until 12 o’clock and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a blumin possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka ( Queensland Royal Show) last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of wee wee!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once, like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke whose an Engineer - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how blumin good it is. Your loving daughter, Susie

Must have been some bonus :o

It just updates it to 2007. As for all the other sarcasm I dont really give a ***** whats the best mac or pc,just another helpful post from me trying to put people in the know. From your posts Tyger i dont see one trying to help with info about anything Lexus,you just seem to be on here to bang on about how good apple are Apples are great......I have one a day.Keeps the doctor away :D I upgraded at the end of last year :winky:

Stick

Lex

Invincible

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl. "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames" An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name?" Girl: "Sharon." Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes." Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Romford, mate." An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!" Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Sharon: "Ok." Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?" Sharon: "Oh my *** I'm paralysed from the waist down!" An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ? So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot" "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

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Hope you had a great day :D

This Government, or Gordon Brown, to be more precise, has not raised the threshold of inheritance tax to come into line with the cost of buying your house. The threshold, at the moment is £285000, anything after that is taxable @ 40%. If this abhorant tax was kept in line with price rises, the threshold would be nearer £400000. You may think that only the house itself would be assessed for this tax.......Wrong, all the contents of the house, garage if you have one and the proverbial garden shed, will also be valued and added to the estate, along with any savings and/or shares, so if you have any antiques/collectibles and expensive entertainment systems, these will also bump the total up. What to do to cut this tax? Sign over part of the house to your children to be held in trust. That is one way of doing it, but then your children would have to pay capital gains tax, because they have to sell the house to pay a little less inheritance tax. You pay your mortgage from money that is already taxed, as is the money you put aside for a rainy day. Gordon Brown, with his prudence has decided that he is much more qualified to spend our hard earned cash by keeping the inheritance tax threshold artificially low. The only people making a lot of money from this are the Solicitors, and Gordon Brown When is he going to see sense, and listen to the people, after all it was the populace who voted the Labour party in. Does it not surprise you to hear that millions are leaving this country each year. Will the last person please turn out the lights. When will this Government of ours Govern for the people and not for their own egotistical trip and any freebies going, after all we put them there, and we can just as easily kick them out. So now I am SKI to save on inheritance tax for my kids Rant over. and I'm too old to emigrate, otherwise I'd be long gone

Hi Stu, where the hell have you been hiding :D Welcome back :winky:

Askew

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