peter026

A little bit of what you fancy does you no harm, so I have a full English on a Sunday :D Bacon Sarnies on Sat :D

Bag

There speaks a man from experience :winky: Class Barrie :D

Light

Whoops !

Not a carpenter then :o

ROFL

Hello :D

Rod

Welcome to the Club :D

Dinners

SAVEBIG

pm Fluff

Actually Said in Court From Disorder in the American Courts: Actual quotes from courtroom transcripts ATTORNEY... Are you sexually active? WITNESS... No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY... What is your date of birth? WITNESS... July 18th. ATTORNEY... What year? WITNESS... Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY... What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS... Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS... Yes. ATTORNEY... And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS... I forget. ATTORNEY... You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY... How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS... Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY... How long has he lived with you? WITNESS... Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY... What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS... He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY... And why did that upset you? WITNESS... My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS... We both do. ATTORNEY... Voodoo? WITNESS... We do. ATTORNEY... You do? WITNESS... Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS... Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY... The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS... Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY... Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS... Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS... Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS... Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... She had three children, right? WITNESS... Yes. ATTORNEY... How many were boys? WITNESS... None. ATTORNEY... Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS.... By death. ATTORNEY... And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Can you describe the individual? WITNESS... He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY... Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS... No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS... All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS... Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS... The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY... And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS... No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS... Huh? ______________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY... Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... Did you check for breathing? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS.... Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY.... But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS... Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-alec boy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, and says, "Well I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

As Adie says. I use sonus from Autopia, great stuff at a good price :winky:

Well my grandson has done it again for the third year running. £2 EW on Siver Birch £86.50 back :winky:

My money is on the bookie :D. Don't see many on a push bike

John

Welcome to the club, and while I am at it, whats wrong with Senni?. Spent many a happy hour or two at the True Hussar in Schloss Neuhaus.......Ah, memories from the distant past :D

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. In spite of the fact that she is at least 80 years old, he asks her what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

Will they find a kit to fit you :D

I signed the last one about 4x4 and gas guzzler tax and got a long winded reply from Tony B liar, which in layman's terms meant Bo@#ocks to the Electorate, we are doing it anyway

Boy