peter026

A drunk is walking on a street close to a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my carrr," the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "Holy $$$$ ----- My girlfriend's gone, too."

Bless you

Some good ones there.

Pepper

I'm working all weekend, plus Monday morning as well..........The joys of being self employed, If I don't work I don't get paid :o Enjoy your weekend. Sunday will be wet :winky:

Passion

Love

We have all got them, but we can only see our own :winky: SNAP

That's odd, worked well last night, probably taken off because of the abuse he was getting :D . Will try later to get link up I think Tony must have found it, or someone Emailed him the link :D

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry : "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Please leave your message for Bliar Here Some weird and wonderful messages left

Mmmmmmmm. Didn't go exactly to plan for 'pool :winky: Or did it :D

Cartoon

Welcome to the club..........Hope your search for a Lexus proves fruitful

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy $$$$," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got stiff and fell off my perch!"

Heroine

Please add my wishes for a speedy recovery. Get well soon Andi

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's......... > > I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was > standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a > dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet > again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the > hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an > intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs > in both arms. > > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it > works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply > eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is > nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. > > I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by > now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. > > Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition > because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been > sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. > > I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so > hard as he staggered out the door.

Ice hockey

Saw it the other day, but haven't seen it since..............Brilliant :D

All the best Dave..........all mine have grown up and left home. Grandchildren are fun and you can give them back at the end of the day...Should have had them first :duh:

Can some one please tell me what happened at half time.............I fell asleep during the first half, it was that boring, woke up during the second half

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... ***! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"