>Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
>real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints
dept....)
>
>
>Dear Cretins,
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up foryour
>3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month
>period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
>considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic
proportions.
>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
>your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
>more likely
>(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you
>while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
>bog in your office:
>
>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending
>an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*se waiting for your technician to
>arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
>your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot
woman
>telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
>
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
-an
>activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled
>installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician
>did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his
>cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
>had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived...
>six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
your
>internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about
6pm -midnight,
>Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I amstill waiting for my telephone
connection.
>I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully
>transferred to avariety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
>highlyskilled bollock jugglers.
>
>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
>call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call
>me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
>a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred
>to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
>your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
>redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
variations
>on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand
>other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially
>important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don'tcare, it's far more
>satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout
>them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
>therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of ***-
>awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested,
>less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
>That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
there?
>How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction
>and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You
are
>sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
>
>
>British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
>to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential
>future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have
>so pointedly and catastrophically failed todeliver - any such activity will
>be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by
derision,
>and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with
>great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and
complete
>contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that
they
>have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
>at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you
>did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them
>the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
>
>
>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly
>incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****s.
>
>John