peter026

Cute

I have decided to upgrade my RAM, on 512 at the moment. I am running Norton 360 and Spyware doctor, Norton is very resource hungry, and has slowed down my Pc. To find what make of RAM I needed I went to this Site and found them very good, so will now be running 2512. Thought this might be useful to others who may want to upgrade their RAM.

Scarface !!!

Looking For Jesus A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you here to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Ccccccccccertainly." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, did you find Jesus?" The drunk replies, "Nnnnnnno, I, I diiiiiiidn't find him." The preacher, bothered by the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He then pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, IIIIIIII haven't ffffffffound Jesus." Now the preacher is frustrated and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins thrashing his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of G*d have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Aaaaaare, are you sssssssure this is where he fffffffell in?"

Variety

Harry Enfield

Wealth

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat ticked off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "ain't no way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, $$$$ ON A STICK!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a chaser. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket. If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it, take my advice - repeat after me...here, kitty kitty... Still in shock, Sparky __________________

Balance

Well done Mat :winky: I bet you are now grinning from ear to ear

If your car was in a secure car park, then surely they would also have CCTV, if so get a copy of the tape , as this would have a date and time stamp. Also get witness statements from your work colleagues to prove that you were at work at the time of the offence. Ask the police the make of vehicle if it not in the NIP. It looks like your Number plate has been cloned

Falldown

Brilliant

Employment

Pipe

There is a perfectly good fuel saver, and it's free..............It's called a light right foot :winky:

10 years ago I was driving an Izuzu Piazza 2 litre turbo, boy could that shift 20 years ago I think it was a Granada and a Volvo 240 30 years ago it was a BMW 2000, did an awful lot of miles in that car, and never had anything done to it apart from servicing

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn. Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mm mm, he thinks, what's going on here? A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd! A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a Few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and A pickled onion. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?" Wait for it... Are you ready...? Brace yourself... This'll make your day... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer." __________________

Basin

I Like

THE 6 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2006 SMART ARSED ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ARSED ANSWER 5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ARSED ANSWER 4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." SMART ARSED ANSWER 3 The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!" SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Give A-plan a ring. or try M&S

Boss

Bank