peter026

Carpenter

It was Alisons Birthday today....Honest..............So I bought her a French Bra. Plenty of support, but no cup

Handyman

Pain

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian. DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of commercials follow. DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh ***, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY ***, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? Sarah: "Up the a*se....." After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" __________________

Slap

Punishment

A new monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So he goes to see the head monk and points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would continue in all of the subsequent copies.. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. One of the monks goes to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming fromthe back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying his eyes out. Asking whats wrong, the old monk replies in a choked voice, "THE WORD IS CELEBRATE"

Hydro

ROFL @ Lee. By the way Lee, you could have polished it first

Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answerscame up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; .Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes infront of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him." The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Brucie, "My father plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

Window

An oldie, but still makes me chuckle. A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Lens

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct.95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval operations 10-10-95. Canadians; Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision. Americans; Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision Canadians; Negative, You will divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans; This is the Captain of the Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: Negative, I say again, you will have to divert your course. Americans; THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I SAY AGAIN THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians; We are a lighthouse. Your call. __________________

Therapy

Congratulations to all concerned

Just had to share. Thought provoking. When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St.Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet. Crabby Old Man. What do you see nurses? What do you see? What are you thinking when you're looking at me? A crabby old man, not very wise, Uncertain of habit...with faraway eyes? Who dribbles his food, and makes no reply. When you say in a loud voice "I do wish you'd try!" Who seems not to notice the things that you do. And forever is losing a sock or shoe? * Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding...... the long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me. I'll tell you who I am. As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of ten.....with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters who love one another A young boy of sixteen with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now a lover he'll meet. A groom soon at twenty ........my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows that I promised to keep. At Twenty-Five, now I have young of my own. Who need me to guide and a secure happy home. A man of thirty, my young now grown fast, Bound to each other with ties that should last. At Forty, my young sons have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me to see I don't mourn. At fifty, once more, babies play round my knee, Again, we know children, my loved one and me. Dark days are upon me. My wife is now dead. I look at the future. I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing young of their own. And I think of the years and the love that I've known. I'm now an old man, and nature is cruel. 'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool. The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart. There is now a stone........where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass a young guy still dwells, And now and again my battered heart swells. I remember the joys, I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living life over again. I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast. And accept the stark fact that nothing can last. So open your eyes people, open and see.. Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!! Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day, be there, too! Everyone has been dealt a different hand in life. Sometimes life has been harsher on one person compared to the next, which can make them crabby. PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart. *** Bless. GROWING OLD IS NOT FOR SISSIES!!!

Sorry to hear about your prang. I do believe the airbags only deploy at a full frontal prang, no doubt someone else will know for definate. As for posting photo's, there is a very good tutorial Here. Welcome to the club

Windows

Out

Paint

Alloy

I went through there Sat pm as well, about 2 - 2.30, noticed the cameras and signs, so stayed at 50, but a fair few cars went by me at a fair rate of knots

Stump