Appear Intelligent At Xmas Parties!

igdirect · December 11, 2003

Things to slip into the conversation at dull parties... B)

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

Although the Earth is larger, the Moon is farther away.

You can make your neighbours think that you have fluorescent lights in all the rooms in your house by quickly turning the lights on and off several times before leaving them on.

Men's jackets and shirts have the buttons on the right (from the wearers' point of view) and the holes on the right, whereas women's have it the other way round... why? Because back in the days when men used to carry pistols in their jackets, they would sometimes need to draw rapidly. With the buttons the way they are that means a man can easily reach through the buttons with his right hand to draw the pistol which would be situated on the left. It's the other way round on women's clothes because shooting people wasn't a particularly ladylike thing to do. It also dramatically reduced the number of murderous transvestites that roamed the streets in the 18th century.

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

If the earth was destroyed tomorrow, the only evidence for the existence of humans in the solar system would be a plaque on the moon bearing the names Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew.

If you eat pasta and antipasta together, the universe would cease to exist.

Sure-fire cure for boredom - when you're going out the office, put Hula Hoops (the snack, of course) under each leg of your colleague's chair. They'll get a hell of a shock when they sit down again.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Green meat is.

Before you criticise a man walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticise him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

When your in a lift (OK, elevator), press the door close and floor number button at the same time and it will go to that floor without stopping along the way.

Men who have pierced body parts are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Interesting phenomenon - pronounce "*** Jesus" backwards...

If you stand in the middle of a library and scream 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' everyone just stares at you. But if you do the same thing during a flight on an aeroplane, everyone joins in.

A shark will only attack you when you're wet.