I Tried But Failed

[Steve]

LOC Christmas Party

FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

TO: All Members

RE: Christmas Party

DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the LOC Christmas Party will take place on December 22, starting at noon in the banquet room at the Bournemouth Seaside Café for an Open Pit Barbecue. No-free bar, but plenty of iced water! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Chairmen show up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among members can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for members! A special announcement will be made by our Chairmen at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Steve

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FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

TO: All Members

DATE: December 2

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to members who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Steve

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FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

TO: All Members

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Anybody???

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the IS 200 members feel that £10.00 is too much money and GS members believe £10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

To: All Members

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim member’s beliefs. Perhaps the Bournemouth Seaside Cafe can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take home in little doggie bags. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men; each Group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the café cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Steve

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FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

TO: All Members

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at the Bournemouth Seaside Cafe prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" members, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

OKAY???

Steve

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FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

To: All Members

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our Chairmen dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little men in a red suit."

It's a tradition, folks, like pumpkins at Halloween or family feuds over the Christmas turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? PLEASE?????????

Also the club has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

Steve

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FROM: Steve Admin, Human Resources Director LOC

TO: All XXXXXXX@ Teamlexus.co.uk

DATE: December 10

RE: The XXXXXXX Holiday Party

I have no XXXXXXX idea what the announcement is all about. What the XXXXXX do I care...

I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!

You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!

No more changes of address will be allowed in the database.

Try to email your change of address; I will have you spanned with viruses!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Bournemouth Seaside Cafe Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your XXXXXX Salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

(signed)

The Bustard from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Mat Supra, Acting Human Resources Director LOC

DATE: December 14

RE: Steve Admin and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Admin a speedy recovery from his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to him at the mental hospital. In the meantime, the club management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give a full refund of your membership fee.

Happy Holidays!

Good one sporty!

[Kent]

What a shame! And I was looking forward to sitting at the Disabled Atheist's table.

[Chris.S]

[refLEX]

osry tub my dyslexica prenents me form reading tihs post, is the aprty cancelles?

I wiil av to telll mi m8 who us gone a reed thu men u 4 me. :D

[Chris.S]

D.N.A

National

Dyslexic

Association

[Chris.S]

Sorry that was bad wasn't it

[Steve]

just for the confused the whole lot is fabricated...

[Bazza-old]

and for those that saw it in gold

i was joking

[Steve]

i was well upset after that :P :P :P

[ifraz]

and for those that saw it in gold

i was joking

LOL at Bazza.....