Xmas Mirth

[lexynik]

Hope you all have a happy christmas , heres a few lines that may or may not cheer you up and raise a smile -

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie,

> >large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

> >A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two

> >days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

> >

> >

> >A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said

> >'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'

> >

> >Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I

> >thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

> >

> >I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter

> >how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,

> >this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's

> >how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

> >Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

> >

> >Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor

> >away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,

> >I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

> >

> > A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were

> >labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in

> >the kitchen!!

> >

> > Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

> >Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

> >Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about

s*x

.

> >Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

> >Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

> >Billy says, ' Wimbledon.'

> >

> >A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her

> >Husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

> >He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

> >

> >Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my

> >pretty face or my sexy body?'

> >Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

> >

> >An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans

> >over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I

> >should do?'

> >He replies, 'Put a new Battery in your hearing aid.'