The Matrix Reloaded: The Abridged Script

[Brettster]

FADE IN:

EXT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CITY STREET

A computer model of CARRIE-ANNE MOSS with an

inhuman-looking face flies out of a window, shoots at an

agent, and is killed.

INT. THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR - BLUE

KEANU REEVES wakes up from his nightmare. CARRIE-ANNE

MOSS, played by a human being, is laying next to him.

KEANU REEVES

Whoa.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

What's the matter? Did you wet the

bed again?

KEANU REEVES

I had this dream. You flew out of

a window in slow-motion and shot at

an agent and he killed you.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Well of course you dreamed that -

you've gone online and watched the

Matrix Reloaded trailer like fifty

times in the past two days.

KEANU REEVES

Did you see the computer generated

me fight all those Agent Smiths? It

was awesome! I'm gonna go hack in

and watch it again now.

INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE SEWER

LAURENCE FISHBURNE, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, and KEANU REEVES join

#SewerChat with all the other rebels.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Gimme ops! I want ops!

JADA PINKETT SMITH

Shut up. Listen everyone. The

Osiris has sent a transmission - the

machines are drilling straight down

to Zion. It's a wonder they didn't

think to do this sooner.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Ops! Ops! Ops!

JADA PINKETT SMITH

Fine! Jesus.

* SexyJada69 sets mode: +o TheOneBeliever.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Woohoo!

* SexyJada69 was kicked by TheOneBeliever (Don't hog ops!)

* Joins: SexyJada69

JADA PINKETT SMITH

Not funny.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Sorry. Okay, everyone. I believe

the Gloria Foster will contact us

soon, so I need one ship to stay

back here and be available if she

makes contact. This goes directly

against the order of our military

commander, but he's a total *****, so

****** him.

* SexyJada69 has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com)

* -[Ghost]- has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com)

* StokChar02 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com)

* StokChar01 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com)

* TheOne has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net

irc.thematrix.com)

* Trin303 has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net

irc.thematrix.com)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Oh *****.

* Joins: -[Ghost]-

* Joins: StokChar02

* Joins: TheOne

* Joins: AgentJohnson

* Joins: Trin303

* Joins: StokChar01

* Joins: AgentJackson

* Joins: SexyJada69

* irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJohnson

* irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJackson

* AgentJackson sets mode: -o TheOneBeliever

* AgentJohnson changes topic to 'Th3 M4tr1x h4s j00

h4h4!!1!'

JADA PINKETT SMITH

Agents! Get the hell out of here!

* Parts: SexyJada69

* Parts: StokChar01

* Parts: StokChar02

* Parts: Trin303

* Parts: TheOneBeliever

* Parts: -[Ghost]-

KEANU REEVES

I don't feel the slightest bit

intimidated, and as a result the

audience feels absolutely no danger.

AGENT JACKSON

That's a shame, since this is the

first fight scene and should really

get them hyperventilating.

They use kung fu and KEANU beats the crap out of the AGENTS

and flies away.

INT. ZION

All of the ships head to ZION. Nothing happens for a

while. Characters talk to other characters. Eventually,

there is an erotic rave scene, but it too is somewhat

boring. The AUDIENCE goes to sleep.

AUDIENCE

This is what they're fighting to

save? It sucks! Wake me when they're

back in the matrix.

Eventually, GLORIA FOSTER contacts KEANU, and they visit

her.

EXT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR PARK

KEANU sits down next to GLORIA FOSTER after fighting SING

NGAI for no good reason.

GLORIA FOSTER

Hello Keanu. My dialogue this time

around isn't anywhere near as well

written as the last time we talked,

so let me get to the chase. I'm a

program, all of your decisions have

already been made, Trinity is going

to die, and you need to find Randall

Duk Kim. Gotta run!

KEANU REEVES

Got it. Hey, have you seen that

spoon-bending kid from before? There

haven't been any cool quotable

phrases in this movie and I think he

could help.

GLORA shakes her head and leaves.

HUGO WEAVING

Mr. Anderson.

KEANU REEVES

That's good, but it really came

from the first movie. Got anything

else?

Suddenly, a bunch of other HUGO WEAVINGS show up. They

FIGHT to VIDEO GAME MUSIC. Despite all of the enormous

hype, it is extremely clear when the scene switches into

CGI-mode.

HUGO WEAVING

Why are you using kung fu? Can't

you jump inside us and delete us

like in the last movie? Isn't that

one of your super awesome powers?

KEANU REEVES

Nah, the only real new power I have

is flight.

HUGO WEAVING

That sucks.

KEANU REEVES

Not as badly as my appearance when

I do my little mid-air spin move

with this pole.

He fights and fights and fights and eventually gives up and

flies away.

INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR RESTAURANT

LAURENCE, CARRIE-ANNE, and KEANU enter the restaurant and

talk to LAMBERT WILSON.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

We want Randall Duk Kim. I am

totally dead serious here, as I

always am.

LAMBERT WILSON

I won't give him to you, but you

can use my girlfriend, Monica

Belluci to go behind my back and get

him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm

going to go have some matrix s*x.

MONICA BELLUCI

Grrr, I get so mad when he cheats

on me. To spite him, I will give

you Randall.

KEANU REEVES

Wait, you're a program right? So

some machine actually specifically

programmed you and gave you the

ability to be jealous, conniving,

and spiteful?

MONICA BELLUCI

Not only that, but they made me a

hornball. I will only help if you

make out with me.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

What? It's bad enough that the

agents no longer pose any threat at

all, but now these are the kind of

obstacles we must overcome to save

Zion? Make out with Monica Belluci?

What will we have to do next, eat

our way through a prison wall made

of chocolate?

MONICA helps them and they escape with RANDALL DUK KIM in a

car.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Hurry, we have to get Randall out

of here!

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

And take him where, exactly?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Uhhhh.. away from the bad guys? It

doesn't matter, we're just waiting

for Neo to save us.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Don't you realize that without any

real goal, this scene is utterly

without tension, regardless of how

cool it is, stylistically?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

This is a matrix film, there's no

point to anything other than style.

They are CHASED by TWO ALBINO RASTAFARIANS. More video

game music plays in the background.

ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #1

We are utterly pointless.

ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #2

Yes we are.

Eventually, KEANU REEVES saves them all and takes them to a

secret hideout.

INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CONFERENCE ROOM

LAURENCE, KEANU, CARRIE-ANNE, JADA, and VARIOUS OTHER

REBELS meet with RANDALL DUK KIM.

RANDALL DUK KIM

To save your world, you must strike

at exactly midnight.. it will

require a complicated three-pronged

attack...

AUDIENCE

Holy *****, we're at the climax of

the film! I haven't seen anything

from this in the trailer - it must

be **** amazing, especially since

it has to top the burly brawl and

the car chase.

We see a montage of shots from the important mission while

RANDALL and THE REBELS discuss the plan in voiceover. Once

the discussion is over, the problem is solved. KEANU enters

a ROOM OF LIGHT.

INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM

KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered

in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.

KEANU REEVES

Who are you?

THE EXPLAINER

I am The Explainer. I designed the

matrix screenplay. Unable to

decently explain the convoluted plot

well, I have resorted to putting

myself here in the final act and

having you ask all of the questions

the audience wants to ask.

(dramatic pause)

You must begin by asking your own

questions then gradually switch to

asking those of the audience, in

order to not make this scene any

more awkward than it already is.

Concordantly, while your first

question may be the most pertinent,

you may or may not realize it is

also the most irrelevant.

KEANU REEVES

Why am I here?

THE EXPLAINER

Many years ago, shortly before the

success of Speed, you sold your soul

to the devil in exchange for a

promise of notoriety that your

*****-poor acting skills do not

deserve. This series is the

actualization of this promise.

KEANU REEVES

What was the Osiris? And who was

that kid in zion who kept pestering

me?

THE EXPLAINER

You will find the answers to these

questions by purchasing The

Animatrix, a collection of nine

animated shorts from some of Anime's

top directors.

KEANU REEVES

Alright. Well, what was that crap

Glora said about vampires and

werewolves? And how did Jada Pinkett

Smith get to Laurence Fishburne

during the car chase? And what the

hell happened during the power plant

takeover climax that-wasn't?

THE EXPLAINER

You will find the answers to those

questions by purchasing the Enter

The Matrix game, available for

Windows, Playstation2, Xbox, and

Gamecube. Enter the Matrix features

awesome gunplay and spectacular

martial arts that bend the rules of

the Matrix. This game isn't just

set in the Matrix universe--it's an

integral part of the experience,

with a story that weaves in and out

of The Matrix Reloaded. Enter the

Matrix is the story behind the

story.

KEANU REEVES

Fine! Then tell me this, what the

hell is with Hugo Weaving saying he

and I have some special connection?

And how come I can control machines

in the real world? And will we win

the war if I don't choose the door

to my right?

THE EXPLAINER

You will find the answers to these

questions when you watch The Matrix

Revolutions, coming later in 2003.

KEANU REEVES

I hate you.

THE EXPLAINER

Perhaps you should drink more

Powerade.

KEANU REEVES

Just answer me one question. We're

not going to find out that the real

world is in another matrix, are we?

THE EXPLAINER

***** I hope not.

KEANU leaves and flies to save CARRIE-ANNE MOSS from being

shot. She is SHOT anyway. Then KEANU reaches into her

matrix code and pulls out the bullet in a comical fashion.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

That was preposterous.

KEANU REEVES

Wait till you see what I do outside

of the ship.

THE CREDITS roll, as DISC ONE of the soundtrack is played

in its entirety.

END

[Matthew_McNally]

very good

B)

[Matthew_McNally]

actually - the web site that published it has some cool, similar abridgments.

http://ter.air0day.com/

defintely good for killing an hour or so :D