Alternative Medical Terms

[peter026]

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Roman emperor.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor.................More than one.

Urine.................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.

[WylieCoyote]

Hehe. Some real medical terms:

TGB - thieving gypsy b*****d

GOMER - get out of my emergency room

FLK - funny looking kid

FLK due to FUP - funny looking kid due to f**k ugly parents

FLK but MIFAF - funny looking but mother is fit as f**k

CATS - cut all to s**t

PFO - p****d and fell over

DDS - dying duck syndrome

GLM - good lookking mum

MILF - come on, do I really need to explain?

DBI - dirt bag index

GOK - g*d only knows

LOBNH - lights on but no one home

SPAK - status post a**-kicking

FUBAR - f****d up beyond all repair

TUBE - totally unneccesary breast exam

LBWO - lab rat without consent

TFTB - too fat to breathe

JIC - jesus is calling

FUBIL - f**k you buddy I'm leaving

ALS - absolute loss of sanity (nutcase)

ATFO - asked to f**k off

APTFRAN - apply pillow to face, repeat as necessary

CLL - chronic low life

KTFO - knock the f****r out (when someone irritating or screaming)

NQRITH - not quite right in the head

TTOAST - take them out and shoot them

SHAD - syphillitic, hypochondriac, alcoholic degenerate

HIVI - husband is village idiot

FINE - f****d up, insecure, neurotic and emotional

BOHICA - bend over, here it comes again

PRATTFO - patient reassured and told to f**k off

TF BUNDY - totally f****d but unfortunately not dead yet

WAFTAM - waste of f*****g time and money

RTT WA BBB - rat-a-tat-tat with a baseball bat

PEFYC - pre-extricated for your convenience (person involved in RTC not wearing seatbelt gone through windscreen)

DMFNFTL - dumb mother f****r not fit to live

Obviously, I do have to say that in all my years as a medical professional, these terms are never actually used to describe people, they are for amusement value only. Dum da de dum dum Right, that's the legal c**p done!

Actually, whilst I can't sleep I'll give you some more...

Squirrel - mad person

Pumpkin +ve - person with the mental capacity of a pumpkin (comes from the notion that shining a light in their ears will come out their eyes)

Pneumocephalic - stupid (literal translation is airhead)

Horrendplasty - surgery that has a poor prognosis

Fruitcake - mad person

f**kwititis - patient is a f**kwit

Amyoyo syndrome - alright motherf****r you're on your own

Microdeckia - thick person (playing with a small deck)

Faecal encephlopathy - s**t for brains

Road pizza - driver/passenger of vehicle not wearing seatbelt

Incarceritis - someone becoming ill when arrested

Aggressive euthanasia - an intervention that annoying people may benefit from

That's all I can think of now, if any more come to mind, I'll add them on!!