Fridays Jokes

[boddamloon]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having s*x with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[boddamloon]

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to have s*x with the cat."

[sparkystav]

LMAO

Stav

[boddamloon]

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find

her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was

about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps

you should hear how all this came about..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman

looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a

meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had

discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for

your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit

you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which

were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there

anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

[boddamloon]

> An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

>

> "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

>

> So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

>

> "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

>

> Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10

> pound note appears.

>

> "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

>

> "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

>

> The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another

> and another and another, etc.....

>

> Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

>

> "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,

> how moch was in dare den?"

>

> The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

>

> "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

>

> I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Rikos]

Like them

[peter026]

Very good

[boddamloon]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

MiltonBerle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[boddamloon]

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in

a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a

stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation

of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the

better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees

that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get

the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what

you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a

large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to

assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite

probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are hetrosexual

Phil: =Yip i am

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about

your s*x life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're gay.