Jokes

[deltapapa]

Next Monday is the start of Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.

[deltapapa]

I was an accountant from age 22 until 30 when I was sacked for no reason.

What an absolute waste of 14 years!

[steve2006]

I’ve never understood why someone would strap a parachute on their back then jump out of a perfectly good aircraft.....do they not understand the gravity of the situation.

[deltapapa]

Lost my job in a Velcro factory.

Couldn’t stick it

 

[Phil xxkr]

8 hours ago, deltapapa said:

Lost my job in a Velcro factory.

Couldn’t stick it

 

I've always been intrigued by the originators of Christmas cracker jokes - now I know 🤣

[Rabbers]

Recent obituary for Barry Cryer quoted the following as one of his all-time favourite jokes: 

Man drives past a farm and runs over a cockerel.  Conscience-stricken, he knocks at the farmhouse door and the farmer comes out.                                 Man:  "Sorry, I've just killed your cockerel and I'd like to replace it."   Farmer:  "Please yourself.  The hens are round the back."                                                                                                                                    

[deltapapa]

[Phil xxkr]

1 hour ago, deltapapa said:

Super! 

[Brian R]

A few from Tommy cooper:

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
 I said "You're obviously not listening."

 The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

  When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!

 

[Phil xxkr]

2 hours ago, Brian R said:

A few from Tommy cooper:

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
 I said "You're obviously not listening."

 The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

  When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!

 

Love the charity shop one 

[deltapapa]

[Brian R]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything but I'm trying to break this to you gently, the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"

[ColinBarber]

Tim Vine's two Edinburgh fringe festival wins:

I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

 

and his two runner up years:

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

 

 

[Brian R]

And a few more from Tim Vine, if I remember correctly.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
 Talk about Dyson with death.

 I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
 I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

 

[deltapapa]

I recently called an old engineering friend and asked him what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed until, upon further enquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

[deltapapa]

Maths made simple

If your wife has £5 and you have £20

your wife has £25.

[GMB]

[NemesisUK]

[deltapapa]

A lorry loaded with Vicks vapour rub overturned on the motorway.

Amazingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

[Phil xxkr]

24 minutes ago, deltapapa said:

A lorry loaded with Vicks vapour rub overturned on the motorway.

Amazingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

 

24 minutes ago, deltapapa said:

A lorry loaded with Vicks vapour rub overturned on the motorway.

Amazingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

So very very two Ronnie's humour. 

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on🤣

[deltapapa]

I can’t remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals.

I’m LIVID

[Rabbers]

6 hours ago, deltapapa said:

I can’t remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals.

I’m LIVID

That one’s so old it’s archaeological.

[Phil xxkr]

5 hours ago, Rabbers said:

That one’s so old it’s archaeological.

Well it is Roman after all 😁. You would have to be DIM not to know that 🤣

[Phil xxkr]

I deliberately placed this under the joke topic, because if you didn't laugh you would cry 😭. Here we have californians up in arms over having the most expensive Shell V power in America by far - 91 pence a litre 😱. This, in a State where the average pay is around $90k!

[peniole]

Not defending the cali population, but your math is off: 5.699/3.785(US gal to L)*0.76(USD to GBP current conversion) = £1.144 per liter