Jokes

[PaulWhitt20]

Not sure if this has been tried before but can we have a Jokes thread it seems to work well on other forums. We need something to make us smile. 🙃
Please keep to forum rules, keep jokes clean, no political, religious, sexist, racist or other jokes that may offended. 
Mods if you don’t think this appropriate please delete thread. 
So who is going first?
I can’t think of one good enough to start the tread at the moment

[Malc]

Poo Tin  Tin

sorry, a joke about an insane person with terrifying global impacting mental health issues probably shouldn't be here

Malc

do bring on proper jokes please ...  sorry I digressed

 

[PaulWhitt20]

You mean this one?

[Malc]

yes exactly .  didn't know how to send it from my phone to here ............ 

but it does somewhat criminalise dogs pooing everywhere .......  that man's just a total sh......t ........ and best place for him

 

come on now guys, where's the jokes we're looking for ?

Malc

[Phil xxkr]

18 hours ago, PaulWhitt20 said:

Not sure if this has been tried before but can we have a Jokes thread it seems to work well on other forums. We need something to make us smile. 🙃
Please keep to forum rules, keep jokes clean, no political, religious, sexist, racist or other jokes that may offended. 
Mods if you don’t think this appropriate please delete thread. 
So who is going first?
I can’t think of one good enough to start the tread at the moment

You just excluded 99.9999 of subjects 🤣. I don't expect a long-lived thread 😅

[Malc]

hahahahaha...........  methinks the only one's offended by the politics joke of  Poo Tin is Mr and Mrs P and their young kids living in Switzerland right now ...  Lugano they tell me, villa overlooking the lake ......... opulence abounds for them even in dear old neutral Swissieland ............

sorry i digress, now where's those other quite acceptable jokes please everyone ...  summat needs to make me and us all laugh these days ..........  pleeeeeease

Malc

[steve2006]

What do you call a Roman gladiator with bad wind?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Farticus Maximus 😀

[Phil xxkr]

37 minutes ago, steve2006 said:

What do you call a Roman gladiator with bad wind?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Farticus Maximus 😀

Well Steve you have just offended those unfortunate colonically challenged people along with all of the descendants of the Holy Roman Empire. 🤣🤣🤣

[Sundance]

I guess this could offend minority cat cyclists, white dog owners (by that of course I mean owners of white dogs!) or even people with high foreheads ... dunno ... is it an issue?

[deltapapa]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. 

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. 

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' 

.
.
.
.

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

 

[PaulWhitt20]

How about a Curry?

I went for a curry the other week and had a chicken tarka. It’s like a chicken tikka but a little otter.
----------
I was having a curry with another friend who can’t eat rice. He’s basmatic.
----------
And mixing chutney and pickle made me chuckle.

 

[NemesisUK]

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL

The English 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian 🇷🇺 threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The Russians 🇷🇺 have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish 🇪🇸 Armada.

The Scots 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 have raised their threat level from “****** Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.”

They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army 🪖 for the last 300 years.

The French 🇫🇷 government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag 🏳️ factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats 🧥.

Italy 🇮🇹 has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans 🇩🇪 have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians 🇧🇪 on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish 🇪🇸 are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[deltapapa]

This morning, I tried to scrape the ice from

my windshield by using my discount card,

but I only managed to get 20% off!

[Spock66]

Customer goes into a car parts shop: have you got a windscreen wiper for a Skoda?

Man behind the counter thinks for a minute and says, ok that's a fair swap.

[hockeyedwards]

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory!

[PaulWhitt20]

[Phil xxkr]

1 hour ago, NemesisUK said:

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL

The English 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian 🇷🇺 threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The Russians 🇷🇺 have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish 🇪🇸 Armada.

The Scots 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 have raised their threat level from “****** Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.”

They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army 🪖 for the last 300 years.

The French 🇫🇷 government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag 🏳️ factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats 🧥.

Italy 🇮🇹 has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans 🇩🇪 have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians 🇧🇪 on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish 🇪🇸 are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Exceptional just exceptional - very Flanders & and Swann 

[J Henderson]

A man walks into his bedroom and discovers that his wife is packing a suitcase.

He asks "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Germany. I heard prostitutes there get paid €400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, the wife is just about to leave when she notices her husband in the bedroom and he's also packing a suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on €800 a year."

 

[deltapapa]

[deltapapa]

[peniole]

NSFW

 

A son asks a father what's the difference between "in theory" and "in practice". His father replies "go ask your older sister and then your mother the following question: if a man propositioned you with a million bucks would you sleep with him?". The boy asks them. Both reply "yes". The boy reports back to his father bewildered how this answers his original query. The father explains "In theory we're living with a couple of million bucks, but in practice we're living with 2 prostitutes."

[J Henderson]

[deltapapa]

[hockeyedwards]

What's the longest hair on the body?

Your anal hair, because it makes your eyes water when you pull it!

[deltapapa]

Got mugged yesterday by six dwarfs

Not Happy.