I Need A New Signature In Gold.........

[Stu]

Anyone have any ideas for a new signature for me?

I want it to be funny, or twisted funny, or rude funny, so funny pretty much covers it!

I just found this one on the net, and it made me laugh! )purely coz i hate it when toast lands butter side down, and i hate cats!)

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.

Cue the hoardes of responses!

Stu

[Matthew_McNally]

I quite like your mechanical menace line on here mate.

click here to join in the avatar and sig games

[Stu]

problem is that my 'mechanical menace' status is not active in gold buddy!

besides, i want something funny!

[Matthew_McNally]

problem is that my 'mechanical menace' status is not active in gold buddy!

[Fargo]

problem is that my 'mechanical menace' status is not active in gold buddy!

besides, i want something funny!

mechanical genious... thast funny

[Alan]

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.

That reminds me of this ...

A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific

theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is

dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast

is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then

dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches

above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form

the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

And then the magazine got this reply from one of its readers :

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the

buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side

down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with

Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter

the cat. Also, should here be an imbalance between the effects of cat and

butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p = s * t(t)/tc where p is the probability of carpet impact,s is the "stain"

value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of

the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s

value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and

topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between

the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't

cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it

is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use

chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p

value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its

feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain

to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as

the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting

in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident

victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if

their party was in power as there would have been more investment in

cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public

sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a

monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a

rail made from white shag pile carpet.